From the Archives of Professor Elias Humanitarian

Upon delivering my explanation on the nature of feminine beauty, I have heard several knaves ask, in reply, as to the nature of masculine beauty. 

To be honest, my first inclination was to simply ignore such audacious tomfoolery, my second to severely chastize those jackdaws who originated such foolish queries.  Yet as an educator I realize that it is incumbent upon me to prevent ignorance and combat idiocy.  Thus, allow me to explain.

Masculine beauty is a contradiction in terms because beauty is an inherently feminine quality.  To be sure, man would be ill-suited by the features of physical delicateness and mental frailty which characterize feminine beauty.    

A question our deluded compatriots would have done very well to have asked instead pertains to the masculine analogue to feminine beauty.  What is that analogue, then?  It is, of course, industriousness.  Indeed, there can be little doubt that the various qualities associated with masculine industriousness -- formidable mental acuity and a vigorous constitution come to mind -- are the perfect complements of feminine beauty; how else to explain the ease with which our Nation's loveliest young women become smitten with our leading captains of industry?

From the archives of Professor Humanitarian

As a child, my father would occasionally regale me with tales of his goat-hunting endeavors in the rough mountains of his native Armenia.  The majesty of his escapades later inspired me to my own feats of daring and bravery, as I stalked the snakes and sharp-tusked boars prowling the rustic wild of the California range.  I believe that it was there in the thorny desert scrub, pitting my aim against the ferocity of the untamed beast, that I first grasped those virtues that have helped me to a life of civic prominence: courage, tenacity, patience, and tactfulness. 

Moreover, I submit to you that the lack of available hunting grounds explains why no leader of import has or ever will emerge from any of our great nation's varied metropolises.  That is, the average cosmpolite -- whether he be from Erie or Kansas City -- never has a chance to match his wits against the cunning of the wild beast, whereas his counterpart from the wilder locale gets such practice nearly every day!  This imbalance is perhaps unfair, yet nonetheless it explains why the latter-day Lincolns and Washingtons shall hail from the same rustic wilds as their counterparts among our forefathers.

From the archives of Professor Elias Humanitarian

What makes a woman beautiful?  I have heard speculation that such beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or even that it is only skin deep.  I say: hogwash!  Such answers betray the undisciplined minds of those gentlemen who proposed and perpetuate them! 

As a contrast to their slipshod methods of reasoning, I have endeavored to analyze the nature of female beauty under the cold objectivism of the modern scientific approach.  My months of clinical research and other empirical study on the matter have left one conclusion perfectly clear: physical beauty is nothing more than an outward manifestation of inner healthiness! 

To put it in words that the layperson can understand, Providence demands that man reproduce, but gives no explicit guidance for finding the most suitable wife among all the women in Christendom.  However, as an outward manifestation of inner healthiness, the quality of physical beauty alerts a man to a potential bride's freedom from Gonorrhea, Tuberculosis, Dementia, and other debilitating ailments of the modern world.  Therefore, the concept of female beauty allows a man to ensure that the wife he chooses will be perfectly capable of handling her task of caring for her husband and the children he sires.

From the Archives of Professor Elias Humanitarian

I daresay that one quality unites the overwhelming majority of the most prosperous and most industrious men to be found in our great nation: an unflinching commitment to the concepts of chastity and moral purity.  For, it might be asked, how is a young man to keep his focus on achievement when his thoughts are mired in vice and licentiousness?  Heed my words, it is no easy matter to amass a fortune in an honorable industry such as agriculture or shipwrighting; the fellow who allows base pollutants to enter his mind or body thereby resigns himself to a wretched career in professional athleticism or stock-brokering.